hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
