Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
