Nicole vs. Life
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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