she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
