Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
