She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
