ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
