Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
