how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
