After last night, I could never be a politician.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
