so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
