you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
