im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Randomize
