my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
