mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
