RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
