I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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