The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
