rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
