my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
