Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
