Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
