So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
