Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
