I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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