Cold hands, warm shart.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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