I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
