Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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