Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
