I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
