Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
