Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
