totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
