I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
