I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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