i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
