so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
