I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
