I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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