This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
