I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
