if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
i need some magic done to my vagina
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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