There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
