Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
