Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
