I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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