It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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