I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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