My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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