i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
