sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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